Dum Dum DUUUUUMMMMM.... Because I didn't have pink lemonade I broke some rules and may have overate.
nature valley peanut butter bar - 140
25 crackers - 375
plus breakfast
total: 649 calories!!!
I went over 500, but at least it's not more than 900.
I expect that I'll binge tomorrow. We're going to Olive Garden and then there will be a buffet at the prom. I'll have to fast for a week.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Eating Disorder Survey
So because I want to procrastinate and stress myself out even more. I'm doing this instead of working on my paper that's due today.
General
Age?: 18
Height?: 5'9"
Weight?: 137
Lowest Weight?: 128
Highest Weight?: 160
What weight do you want to weigh?: 118
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia nervosa with purging tendencies and chronic exercise (but I can stop any time truly, I'm a wannabe at this point)
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: well this last week I've stayed under 500 calories...except for my binge.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: when I binge
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: of course, who wouldn't?
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: was in kung fu...quit that recently, was in ballroom dancing, but haven't had time for it...I go to the gym most days and exercise at home and at school
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: most of my fasts are just 1 to 3 days, but I've lasted for 6 days once
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: only fiber rich products as natural laxatives
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: well yeah
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, I do care about my health to some degree and could never do that... well never say never I suppose
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I have multiple times and every time I get fat
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: well...maybe I'm not fat, but I'm not thin and that's what I want to be
What part of your body would you change?: thighs, arms, stomach, butt, love handles, hips, neck, face, legs... eh, everything?
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 4
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: no, I judge myself based on my actions which is fair and honest and that's why I know I'm a failure which is the absolute truth
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes... but it's the eating disorder itself and other things in my life too
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: not just them, but other women in general
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: well no, because I have a fucking eating disorder, but majority of what I do eat is somewhat healthy
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no
Fat grams?: no
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: sometimes...unless I binge
Do you eat meat?: I avoid it as much as possible
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: yes, I cut it up into small pieces, I take small bites and chew at least 20 times before swallowing and eat very slowly, and I take a sip of my drink in between each bite
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: that I look exhausted
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no, well maybe once...not sure
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I think it's like 54
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: I get dizzy, black out, and see stars sometimes
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: maybe a little, but I blame it on the cruelty of others
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Eh...there are different versions. I think the basic idea of having support from like-minded and related people is a good thing though in any case...but for those who are recovering, the thinspiration pro-ana people create makes things more difficult I think.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: I've been diagnosed with hig anxiety disorder, and I've diagnoed myself with panic disorder, minor depression, EDNOS, depersonalization disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not to be confused with OCD).
What's your favourite food to eat?: My favorite ana food is fiberone cereal. My favorite binge food is double dark chocolate muffin.
Favourite drink?: bottle water
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Somewhat...I wish I didn't have to to begin with and was naturally thin.
Do you want to recover?: Well once I get to my goal weight, I'll try and eat normal enough to just stay at that weight.
General
Age?: 18
Height?: 5'9"
Weight?: 137
Lowest Weight?: 128
Highest Weight?: 160
What weight do you want to weigh?: 118
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia nervosa with purging tendencies and chronic exercise (but I can stop any time truly, I'm a wannabe at this point)
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: well this last week I've stayed under 500 calories...except for my binge.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: when I binge
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: of course, who wouldn't?
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: was in kung fu...quit that recently, was in ballroom dancing, but haven't had time for it...I go to the gym most days and exercise at home and at school
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: most of my fasts are just 1 to 3 days, but I've lasted for 6 days once
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: only fiber rich products as natural laxatives
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: well yeah
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, I do care about my health to some degree and could never do that... well never say never I suppose
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I have multiple times and every time I get fat
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: well...maybe I'm not fat, but I'm not thin and that's what I want to be
What part of your body would you change?: thighs, arms, stomach, butt, love handles, hips, neck, face, legs... eh, everything?
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 4
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: no, I judge myself based on my actions which is fair and honest and that's why I know I'm a failure which is the absolute truth
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes... but it's the eating disorder itself and other things in my life too
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: not just them, but other women in general
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: well no, because I have a fucking eating disorder, but majority of what I do eat is somewhat healthy
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no
Fat grams?: no
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: sometimes...unless I binge
Do you eat meat?: I avoid it as much as possible
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: yes, I cut it up into small pieces, I take small bites and chew at least 20 times before swallowing and eat very slowly, and I take a sip of my drink in between each bite
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: that I look exhausted
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no, well maybe once...not sure
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I think it's like 54
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: I get dizzy, black out, and see stars sometimes
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: maybe a little, but I blame it on the cruelty of others
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Eh...there are different versions. I think the basic idea of having support from like-minded and related people is a good thing though in any case...but for those who are recovering, the thinspiration pro-ana people create makes things more difficult I think.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: I've been diagnosed with hig anxiety disorder, and I've diagnoed myself with panic disorder, minor depression, EDNOS, depersonalization disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not to be confused with OCD).
What's your favourite food to eat?: My favorite ana food is fiberone cereal. My favorite binge food is double dark chocolate muffin.
Favourite drink?: bottle water
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Somewhat...I wish I didn't have to to begin with and was naturally thin.
Do you want to recover?: Well once I get to my goal weight, I'll try and eat normal enough to just stay at that weight.
I'm Not Creative Enough to Come Up With an Interesting Title
I feel like shit. My entire body is sore. Worse... I'm exactly the same weight I was yesterday. 137 lbs. What the hell?!
1/2 cup of cottage cheese - 90
20 blueberries - 14
pink lemonade - 30
total: 134 calories
Should I eat more or stop there?
My 10 pg paper on Perspectives on Sex is due today and I only have 8 pages of crap.
I'm so depressed and stressed and scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to graduate.
I got my hair cut yesterday so that the style I want could be done right tomorrow for prom. I'm not sure I like my hair being this length. I kind of miss my hair being long. But it will grow back.
I've been having very soft, kinda greenish bowel movements the last couple of days. Better than constipation I suppose.
But why didn't I lose weight since yesterday!!?? I ate 5 sushi total - 200 calories plus the pink lemonade - 30 calories which only comes out to 230 calories. And I didn't lose any weight??? I walked for an hour too for exercise. So dumb. I'm mad.
Maybe it's the fact I ate in the afternoon? And then took a nap? I don't know...
1/2 cup of cottage cheese - 90
20 blueberries - 14
pink lemonade - 30
total: 134 calories
Should I eat more or stop there?
My 10 pg paper on Perspectives on Sex is due today and I only have 8 pages of crap.
I'm so depressed and stressed and scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to graduate.
I got my hair cut yesterday so that the style I want could be done right tomorrow for prom. I'm not sure I like my hair being this length. I kind of miss my hair being long. But it will grow back.
I've been having very soft, kinda greenish bowel movements the last couple of days. Better than constipation I suppose.
But why didn't I lose weight since yesterday!!?? I ate 5 sushi total - 200 calories plus the pink lemonade - 30 calories which only comes out to 230 calories. And I didn't lose any weight??? I walked for an hour too for exercise. So dumb. I'm mad.
Maybe it's the fact I ate in the afternoon? And then took a nap? I don't know...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Meh...
Yesterday:
138.something lbs
Walked out of last 15 min of kung fu after humiliating myself by refusing to spar and being forced to do over 50 pushups of which I really can't do therefore kept falling to the floor in tears. I'm quitting. I will go to the gym for work outs from now on.
PMSing big time! CRIED CRIED CRIED. I'm weak. Such a fucking failure.
But I didn't eat. :) pink lemonade - 30 calories
Had a looooooooooooooooong talk with mom about life. She made me feel better. :) But only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep. :(
137 lb this morning
Weird throbing pain in asshole or tailbone last night.
3 1/2 Sushi this morning - 120 cal
Eyes are puffy and gross from lack of sleep and crying.
Got shoes from DSW, diamond costume jewelery, and small black purse to go with outfit. Plan on getting 1940s hairstyle for prom with flower in hair, deep red lipstick, and french manicure. Actually looking forward to prom now.
138.something lbs
Walked out of last 15 min of kung fu after humiliating myself by refusing to spar and being forced to do over 50 pushups of which I really can't do therefore kept falling to the floor in tears. I'm quitting. I will go to the gym for work outs from now on.
PMSing big time! CRIED CRIED CRIED. I'm weak. Such a fucking failure.
But I didn't eat. :) pink lemonade - 30 calories
Had a looooooooooooooooong talk with mom about life. She made me feel better. :) But only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep. :(
137 lb this morning
Weird throbing pain in asshole or tailbone last night.
3 1/2 Sushi this morning - 120 cal
Eyes are puffy and gross from lack of sleep and crying.
Got shoes from DSW, diamond costume jewelery, and small black purse to go with outfit. Plan on getting 1940s hairstyle for prom with flower in hair, deep red lipstick, and french manicure. Actually looking forward to prom now.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Post-Purge
Results in sore throat and upset tummy. Cure? TUMS!!! And warm water with lemon juice. And Ricola lemon drops to suck on. But with TUMS you'll feel the difference immediately, but it seems the Smoothie TUMS I own have 10 calories! Lame. But I don't want to get sick again so I'll take it.
Mom commented on my legs looking flabby. Great...
Mom commented on my legs looking flabby. Great...
Fuck Me!
I totally fucked myself over! What the hell is wrong with me?! ARGH!!!
We went for sushi, ate, didn't taste great so we went to HEB and bought great sushi plus 1 lb of macaroni and cheese. In other words, we binged.
I didn't even enjoy it that much to tell you the truth. I could have stopped, but I just enjoy my friend's company so much. I mean she's not just my best friend, we're like sisters.
And okay... I kind of feel guilty about this, but somehow I convinced her that we should go to her house and purge. We've been flirting with eating disorders back and forth for 3 years now. But after taking turns purging in her bathroom, I think we just became ana buddies.
We made a promise to each other to really keep each other on track no matter what. We talked about the different excuses we were going to use and how little we were going to eat. Tomorrow we decided we're going on a fast. And I'm just torn because I love her and I don't want her to destroy herself like I have and yet I don't want to be alone in this. I really really need her to support me. Not to mention, she was the reason I binged in the first place. I mean if she eats, I can't help but eat as well. She's the only one that can make me break like that, but if she's on my side then she has no excuse, no say in whether I should eat or not because we're in the same boat now. And I know it's horrible of me, but it's so comforting at the same time. Maybe...maybe if we're together in this we can help each other lose the weight we want and then help each other maintain it and keep healthy once we've achieved it.
Anyways I didn't purge everything because I didn't want to take too long. So I went to the gym for an hour and a half. Fucking machines tell me I only burned 200 calories, but I feel like I deserve to have burned more. They're telling the truth though, which really pisses me off because all that work for only 200 cal???!!!
I wore tights underneath my stretchy workout pants because I needed something to control muscle definition and I've heard tights or tight pants help with that. My dance teacher, some websites, and my cousins and aunt up in Maine all tell me that. I'm also thinking about buying 2 new pairs of skinny jeans. Size 7 or 6 and size 5 or 4 so that it motivates to starve myself into them.
Oh and I just remembered what really ruined me tonight was when I was hanging out at her house... She has a puppy see and he's in that biting stage and you know what he did??? He bit my belly fat!!! UGH! Now I know I'm a fat pig. I'm so gross.
So if you want a calorie estimation try 2000 calories... Today I was definitely a fat failure. And all my hard work probably went to waste now. FUCK.
We went for sushi, ate, didn't taste great so we went to HEB and bought great sushi plus 1 lb of macaroni and cheese. In other words, we binged.
I didn't even enjoy it that much to tell you the truth. I could have stopped, but I just enjoy my friend's company so much. I mean she's not just my best friend, we're like sisters.
And okay... I kind of feel guilty about this, but somehow I convinced her that we should go to her house and purge. We've been flirting with eating disorders back and forth for 3 years now. But after taking turns purging in her bathroom, I think we just became ana buddies.
We made a promise to each other to really keep each other on track no matter what. We talked about the different excuses we were going to use and how little we were going to eat. Tomorrow we decided we're going on a fast. And I'm just torn because I love her and I don't want her to destroy herself like I have and yet I don't want to be alone in this. I really really need her to support me. Not to mention, she was the reason I binged in the first place. I mean if she eats, I can't help but eat as well. She's the only one that can make me break like that, but if she's on my side then she has no excuse, no say in whether I should eat or not because we're in the same boat now. And I know it's horrible of me, but it's so comforting at the same time. Maybe...maybe if we're together in this we can help each other lose the weight we want and then help each other maintain it and keep healthy once we've achieved it.
Anyways I didn't purge everything because I didn't want to take too long. So I went to the gym for an hour and a half. Fucking machines tell me I only burned 200 calories, but I feel like I deserve to have burned more. They're telling the truth though, which really pisses me off because all that work for only 200 cal???!!!
I wore tights underneath my stretchy workout pants because I needed something to control muscle definition and I've heard tights or tight pants help with that. My dance teacher, some websites, and my cousins and aunt up in Maine all tell me that. I'm also thinking about buying 2 new pairs of skinny jeans. Size 7 or 6 and size 5 or 4 so that it motivates to starve myself into them.
Oh and I just remembered what really ruined me tonight was when I was hanging out at her house... She has a puppy see and he's in that biting stage and you know what he did??? He bit my belly fat!!! UGH! Now I know I'm a fat pig. I'm so gross.
So if you want a calorie estimation try 2000 calories... Today I was definitely a fat failure. And all my hard work probably went to waste now. FUCK.
GAS
Alright, so I had:
Breakfast:
1 vanilla fiber one yogurt - 80
Snack: I jut couldn't hold out... I'm so weak.
1 fiber one peanut butter bar - 150
1 piece of gum offered by friend (Broke rule of not taking food from anyone)
- 5
So far... 235 cal
And now my friend is tempting me with sushi... (Going out for food would be breaking another rule)
How many calories does sushi have? If they aren't the plain kind they all are about 500 or more calories. If it's just the fish or crab it's around 130 calories.
Lame...
I may go and burn it all off at the gym. Haven't used my membership in awhile anyways. First I'm going to work on homework though and see if we forget about going out or something.
Breakfast:
1 vanilla fiber one yogurt - 80
Snack: I jut couldn't hold out... I'm so weak.
1 fiber one peanut butter bar - 150
1 piece of gum offered by friend (Broke rule of not taking food from anyone)
- 5
So far... 235 cal
And now my friend is tempting me with sushi... (Going out for food would be breaking another rule)
How many calories does sushi have? If they aren't the plain kind they all are about 500 or more calories. If it's just the fish or crab it's around 130 calories.
Lame...
I may go and burn it all off at the gym. Haven't used my membership in awhile anyways. First I'm going to work on homework though and see if we forget about going out or something.
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