Fuck Me!

I totally fucked myself over! What the hell is wrong with me?! ARGH!!!

We went for sushi, ate, didn't taste great so we went to HEB and bought great sushi plus 1 lb of macaroni and cheese. In other words, we binged.

I didn't even enjoy it that much to tell you the truth. I could have stopped, but I just enjoy my friend's company so much. I mean she's not just my best friend, we're like sisters.

And okay... I kind of feel guilty about this, but somehow I convinced her that we should go to her house and purge. We've been flirting with eating disorders back and forth for 3 years now. But after taking turns purging in her bathroom, I think we just became ana buddies.

We made a promise to each other to really keep each other on track no matter what. We talked about the different excuses we were going to use and how little we were going to eat. Tomorrow we decided we're going on a fast. And I'm just torn because I love her and I don't want her to destroy herself like I have and yet I don't want to be alone in this. I really really need her to support me. Not to mention, she was the reason I binged in the first place. I mean if she eats, I can't help but eat as well. She's the only one that can make me break like that, but if she's on my side then she has no excuse, no say in whether I should eat or not because we're in the same boat now. And I know it's horrible of me, but it's so comforting at the same time. Maybe...maybe if we're together in this we can help each other lose the weight we want and then help each other maintain it and keep healthy once we've achieved it.

Anyways I didn't purge everything because I didn't want to take too long. So I went to the gym for an hour and a half. Fucking machines tell me I only burned 200 calories, but I feel like I deserve to have burned more. They're telling the truth though, which really pisses me off because all that work for only 200 cal???!!!

I wore tights underneath my stretchy workout pants because I needed something to control muscle definition and I've heard tights or tight pants help with that. My dance teacher, some websites, and my cousins and aunt up in Maine all tell me that. I'm also thinking about buying 2 new pairs of skinny jeans. Size 7 or 6 and size 5 or 4 so that it motivates to starve myself into them.

Oh and I just remembered what really ruined me tonight was when I was hanging out at her house... She has a puppy see and he's in that biting stage and you know what he did??? He bit my belly fat!!! UGH! Now I know I'm a fat pig. I'm so gross.

So if you want a calorie estimation try 2000 calories... Today I was definitely a fat failure. And all my hard work probably went to waste now. FUCK.