Dum Dum DUUUUUMMMMM.... Because I didn't have pink lemonade I broke some rules and may have overate.
nature valley peanut butter bar - 140
25 crackers - 375
plus breakfast
total: 649 calories!!!
I went over 500, but at least it's not more than 900.
I expect that I'll binge tomorrow. We're going to Olive Garden and then there will be a buffet at the prom. I'll have to fast for a week.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Eating Disorder Survey
So because I want to procrastinate and stress myself out even more. I'm doing this instead of working on my paper that's due today.
General
Age?: 18
Height?: 5'9"
Weight?: 137
Lowest Weight?: 128
Highest Weight?: 160
What weight do you want to weigh?: 118
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia nervosa with purging tendencies and chronic exercise (but I can stop any time truly, I'm a wannabe at this point)
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: well this last week I've stayed under 500 calories...except for my binge.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: when I binge
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: of course, who wouldn't?
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: was in kung fu...quit that recently, was in ballroom dancing, but haven't had time for it...I go to the gym most days and exercise at home and at school
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: most of my fasts are just 1 to 3 days, but I've lasted for 6 days once
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: only fiber rich products as natural laxatives
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: well yeah
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, I do care about my health to some degree and could never do that... well never say never I suppose
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I have multiple times and every time I get fat
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: well...maybe I'm not fat, but I'm not thin and that's what I want to be
What part of your body would you change?: thighs, arms, stomach, butt, love handles, hips, neck, face, legs... eh, everything?
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 4
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: no, I judge myself based on my actions which is fair and honest and that's why I know I'm a failure which is the absolute truth
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes... but it's the eating disorder itself and other things in my life too
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: not just them, but other women in general
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: well no, because I have a fucking eating disorder, but majority of what I do eat is somewhat healthy
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no
Fat grams?: no
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: sometimes...unless I binge
Do you eat meat?: I avoid it as much as possible
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: yes, I cut it up into small pieces, I take small bites and chew at least 20 times before swallowing and eat very slowly, and I take a sip of my drink in between each bite
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: that I look exhausted
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no, well maybe once...not sure
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I think it's like 54
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: I get dizzy, black out, and see stars sometimes
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: maybe a little, but I blame it on the cruelty of others
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Eh...there are different versions. I think the basic idea of having support from like-minded and related people is a good thing though in any case...but for those who are recovering, the thinspiration pro-ana people create makes things more difficult I think.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: I've been diagnosed with hig anxiety disorder, and I've diagnoed myself with panic disorder, minor depression, EDNOS, depersonalization disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not to be confused with OCD).
What's your favourite food to eat?: My favorite ana food is fiberone cereal. My favorite binge food is double dark chocolate muffin.
Favourite drink?: bottle water
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Somewhat...I wish I didn't have to to begin with and was naturally thin.
Do you want to recover?: Well once I get to my goal weight, I'll try and eat normal enough to just stay at that weight.
General
Age?: 18
Height?: 5'9"
Weight?: 137
Lowest Weight?: 128
Highest Weight?: 160
What weight do you want to weigh?: 118
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia nervosa with purging tendencies and chronic exercise (but I can stop any time truly, I'm a wannabe at this point)
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: well this last week I've stayed under 500 calories...except for my binge.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: when I binge
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: of course, who wouldn't?
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: was in kung fu...quit that recently, was in ballroom dancing, but haven't had time for it...I go to the gym most days and exercise at home and at school
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yes
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: most of my fasts are just 1 to 3 days, but I've lasted for 6 days once
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: only fiber rich products as natural laxatives
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: well yeah
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, I do care about my health to some degree and could never do that... well never say never I suppose
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I have multiple times and every time I get fat
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: well...maybe I'm not fat, but I'm not thin and that's what I want to be
What part of your body would you change?: thighs, arms, stomach, butt, love handles, hips, neck, face, legs... eh, everything?
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 4
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: no, I judge myself based on my actions which is fair and honest and that's why I know I'm a failure which is the absolute truth
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes... but it's the eating disorder itself and other things in my life too
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: not just them, but other women in general
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: well no, because I have a fucking eating disorder, but majority of what I do eat is somewhat healthy
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no
Fat grams?: no
Calories?: yes
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: sometimes...unless I binge
Do you eat meat?: I avoid it as much as possible
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: yes, I cut it up into small pieces, I take small bites and chew at least 20 times before swallowing and eat very slowly, and I take a sip of my drink in between each bite
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: that I look exhausted
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no, well maybe once...not sure
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I think it's like 54
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: I get dizzy, black out, and see stars sometimes
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: maybe a little, but I blame it on the cruelty of others
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Eh...there are different versions. I think the basic idea of having support from like-minded and related people is a good thing though in any case...but for those who are recovering, the thinspiration pro-ana people create makes things more difficult I think.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: I've been diagnosed with hig anxiety disorder, and I've diagnoed myself with panic disorder, minor depression, EDNOS, depersonalization disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not to be confused with OCD).
What's your favourite food to eat?: My favorite ana food is fiberone cereal. My favorite binge food is double dark chocolate muffin.
Favourite drink?: bottle water
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Somewhat...I wish I didn't have to to begin with and was naturally thin.
Do you want to recover?: Well once I get to my goal weight, I'll try and eat normal enough to just stay at that weight.
I'm Not Creative Enough to Come Up With an Interesting Title
I feel like shit. My entire body is sore. Worse... I'm exactly the same weight I was yesterday. 137 lbs. What the hell?!
1/2 cup of cottage cheese - 90
20 blueberries - 14
pink lemonade - 30
total: 134 calories
Should I eat more or stop there?
My 10 pg paper on Perspectives on Sex is due today and I only have 8 pages of crap.
I'm so depressed and stressed and scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to graduate.
I got my hair cut yesterday so that the style I want could be done right tomorrow for prom. I'm not sure I like my hair being this length. I kind of miss my hair being long. But it will grow back.
I've been having very soft, kinda greenish bowel movements the last couple of days. Better than constipation I suppose.
But why didn't I lose weight since yesterday!!?? I ate 5 sushi total - 200 calories plus the pink lemonade - 30 calories which only comes out to 230 calories. And I didn't lose any weight??? I walked for an hour too for exercise. So dumb. I'm mad.
Maybe it's the fact I ate in the afternoon? And then took a nap? I don't know...
1/2 cup of cottage cheese - 90
20 blueberries - 14
pink lemonade - 30
total: 134 calories
Should I eat more or stop there?
My 10 pg paper on Perspectives on Sex is due today and I only have 8 pages of crap.
I'm so depressed and stressed and scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to graduate.
I got my hair cut yesterday so that the style I want could be done right tomorrow for prom. I'm not sure I like my hair being this length. I kind of miss my hair being long. But it will grow back.
I've been having very soft, kinda greenish bowel movements the last couple of days. Better than constipation I suppose.
But why didn't I lose weight since yesterday!!?? I ate 5 sushi total - 200 calories plus the pink lemonade - 30 calories which only comes out to 230 calories. And I didn't lose any weight??? I walked for an hour too for exercise. So dumb. I'm mad.
Maybe it's the fact I ate in the afternoon? And then took a nap? I don't know...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Meh...
Yesterday:
138.something lbs
Walked out of last 15 min of kung fu after humiliating myself by refusing to spar and being forced to do over 50 pushups of which I really can't do therefore kept falling to the floor in tears. I'm quitting. I will go to the gym for work outs from now on.
PMSing big time! CRIED CRIED CRIED. I'm weak. Such a fucking failure.
But I didn't eat. :) pink lemonade - 30 calories
Had a looooooooooooooooong talk with mom about life. She made me feel better. :) But only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep. :(
137 lb this morning
Weird throbing pain in asshole or tailbone last night.
3 1/2 Sushi this morning - 120 cal
Eyes are puffy and gross from lack of sleep and crying.
Got shoes from DSW, diamond costume jewelery, and small black purse to go with outfit. Plan on getting 1940s hairstyle for prom with flower in hair, deep red lipstick, and french manicure. Actually looking forward to prom now.
138.something lbs
Walked out of last 15 min of kung fu after humiliating myself by refusing to spar and being forced to do over 50 pushups of which I really can't do therefore kept falling to the floor in tears. I'm quitting. I will go to the gym for work outs from now on.
PMSing big time! CRIED CRIED CRIED. I'm weak. Such a fucking failure.
But I didn't eat. :) pink lemonade - 30 calories
Had a looooooooooooooooong talk with mom about life. She made me feel better. :) But only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep. :(
137 lb this morning
Weird throbing pain in asshole or tailbone last night.
3 1/2 Sushi this morning - 120 cal
Eyes are puffy and gross from lack of sleep and crying.
Got shoes from DSW, diamond costume jewelery, and small black purse to go with outfit. Plan on getting 1940s hairstyle for prom with flower in hair, deep red lipstick, and french manicure. Actually looking forward to prom now.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Post-Purge
Results in sore throat and upset tummy. Cure? TUMS!!! And warm water with lemon juice. And Ricola lemon drops to suck on. But with TUMS you'll feel the difference immediately, but it seems the Smoothie TUMS I own have 10 calories! Lame. But I don't want to get sick again so I'll take it.
Mom commented on my legs looking flabby. Great...
Mom commented on my legs looking flabby. Great...
Fuck Me!
I totally fucked myself over! What the hell is wrong with me?! ARGH!!!
We went for sushi, ate, didn't taste great so we went to HEB and bought great sushi plus 1 lb of macaroni and cheese. In other words, we binged.
I didn't even enjoy it that much to tell you the truth. I could have stopped, but I just enjoy my friend's company so much. I mean she's not just my best friend, we're like sisters.
And okay... I kind of feel guilty about this, but somehow I convinced her that we should go to her house and purge. We've been flirting with eating disorders back and forth for 3 years now. But after taking turns purging in her bathroom, I think we just became ana buddies.
We made a promise to each other to really keep each other on track no matter what. We talked about the different excuses we were going to use and how little we were going to eat. Tomorrow we decided we're going on a fast. And I'm just torn because I love her and I don't want her to destroy herself like I have and yet I don't want to be alone in this. I really really need her to support me. Not to mention, she was the reason I binged in the first place. I mean if she eats, I can't help but eat as well. She's the only one that can make me break like that, but if she's on my side then she has no excuse, no say in whether I should eat or not because we're in the same boat now. And I know it's horrible of me, but it's so comforting at the same time. Maybe...maybe if we're together in this we can help each other lose the weight we want and then help each other maintain it and keep healthy once we've achieved it.
Anyways I didn't purge everything because I didn't want to take too long. So I went to the gym for an hour and a half. Fucking machines tell me I only burned 200 calories, but I feel like I deserve to have burned more. They're telling the truth though, which really pisses me off because all that work for only 200 cal???!!!
I wore tights underneath my stretchy workout pants because I needed something to control muscle definition and I've heard tights or tight pants help with that. My dance teacher, some websites, and my cousins and aunt up in Maine all tell me that. I'm also thinking about buying 2 new pairs of skinny jeans. Size 7 or 6 and size 5 or 4 so that it motivates to starve myself into them.
Oh and I just remembered what really ruined me tonight was when I was hanging out at her house... She has a puppy see and he's in that biting stage and you know what he did??? He bit my belly fat!!! UGH! Now I know I'm a fat pig. I'm so gross.
So if you want a calorie estimation try 2000 calories... Today I was definitely a fat failure. And all my hard work probably went to waste now. FUCK.
We went for sushi, ate, didn't taste great so we went to HEB and bought great sushi plus 1 lb of macaroni and cheese. In other words, we binged.
I didn't even enjoy it that much to tell you the truth. I could have stopped, but I just enjoy my friend's company so much. I mean she's not just my best friend, we're like sisters.
And okay... I kind of feel guilty about this, but somehow I convinced her that we should go to her house and purge. We've been flirting with eating disorders back and forth for 3 years now. But after taking turns purging in her bathroom, I think we just became ana buddies.
We made a promise to each other to really keep each other on track no matter what. We talked about the different excuses we were going to use and how little we were going to eat. Tomorrow we decided we're going on a fast. And I'm just torn because I love her and I don't want her to destroy herself like I have and yet I don't want to be alone in this. I really really need her to support me. Not to mention, she was the reason I binged in the first place. I mean if she eats, I can't help but eat as well. She's the only one that can make me break like that, but if she's on my side then she has no excuse, no say in whether I should eat or not because we're in the same boat now. And I know it's horrible of me, but it's so comforting at the same time. Maybe...maybe if we're together in this we can help each other lose the weight we want and then help each other maintain it and keep healthy once we've achieved it.
Anyways I didn't purge everything because I didn't want to take too long. So I went to the gym for an hour and a half. Fucking machines tell me I only burned 200 calories, but I feel like I deserve to have burned more. They're telling the truth though, which really pisses me off because all that work for only 200 cal???!!!
I wore tights underneath my stretchy workout pants because I needed something to control muscle definition and I've heard tights or tight pants help with that. My dance teacher, some websites, and my cousins and aunt up in Maine all tell me that. I'm also thinking about buying 2 new pairs of skinny jeans. Size 7 or 6 and size 5 or 4 so that it motivates to starve myself into them.
Oh and I just remembered what really ruined me tonight was when I was hanging out at her house... She has a puppy see and he's in that biting stage and you know what he did??? He bit my belly fat!!! UGH! Now I know I'm a fat pig. I'm so gross.
So if you want a calorie estimation try 2000 calories... Today I was definitely a fat failure. And all my hard work probably went to waste now. FUCK.
GAS
Alright, so I had:
Breakfast:
1 vanilla fiber one yogurt - 80
Snack: I jut couldn't hold out... I'm so weak.
1 fiber one peanut butter bar - 150
1 piece of gum offered by friend (Broke rule of not taking food from anyone)
- 5
So far... 235 cal
And now my friend is tempting me with sushi... (Going out for food would be breaking another rule)
How many calories does sushi have? If they aren't the plain kind they all are about 500 or more calories. If it's just the fish or crab it's around 130 calories.
Lame...
I may go and burn it all off at the gym. Haven't used my membership in awhile anyways. First I'm going to work on homework though and see if we forget about going out or something.
Breakfast:
1 vanilla fiber one yogurt - 80
Snack: I jut couldn't hold out... I'm so weak.
1 fiber one peanut butter bar - 150
1 piece of gum offered by friend (Broke rule of not taking food from anyone)
- 5
So far... 235 cal
And now my friend is tempting me with sushi... (Going out for food would be breaking another rule)
How many calories does sushi have? If they aren't the plain kind they all are about 500 or more calories. If it's just the fish or crab it's around 130 calories.
Lame...
I may go and burn it all off at the gym. Haven't used my membership in awhile anyways. First I'm going to work on homework though and see if we forget about going out or something.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Everybody was Kung Fu Fightiiiiing!
Gah! Just got back from kung fu. I always forget that Mondays we have weapon training. So now I'm having to ice my shoulder for handling a 5 lb sword with one hand for an entire hour. Ugh... I was surprised in the first 30 min how much energy I did have. I really thought I would have keeled over. I have blacked out numerous times in my life, but never actually fainted. I've always wanted to, just to see what it's like. This is a good time for the little voice in my head to say, "Be careful what you wish for..."
Anyways 2 hours of kung fu definitely burned off the 250 cal or so that I consumed.
I was also able to nap, but my friend never came over. Tylenol really does help.
I got another lecture from my master... Apparently, I lack in discipline. If he only knew. It's not my fucking fault I'm always sick and don't have the time to practice! I have other priorities. He says I need to understand my training is a way of life and shouldn't be separated from other daily activities. Okay Mr. Kung Fu man...
Anyways 2 hours of kung fu definitely burned off the 250 cal or so that I consumed.
I was also able to nap, but my friend never came over. Tylenol really does help.
I got another lecture from my master... Apparently, I lack in discipline. If he only knew. It's not my fucking fault I'm always sick and don't have the time to practice! I have other priorities. He says I need to understand my training is a way of life and shouldn't be separated from other daily activities. Okay Mr. Kung Fu man...
And the Symptoms Have Begun...
I did not get even an ounce of sleep last night and I swear I tried. All I could do was toss and turn for 6 hours until I got tired of it and decided to get ready for school earlier. I was planning on taking a nap now, but got distracted by thinspo. My muscles are aching, my bones are weak, and I'm jittery as fuck. It was not a good sign to have my hips crack when I got up from the lunch table at school.
Speaking of lunch... I skipped. Totally forgot to bring my yogurt and my butter toffees. Ended up playing with marshmallows (I feel like I'm back in kindergarten) and ate a handful of those. I checked the bag. Came out to about 80 cal. I'm also not eating for the rest of the day because of this mistake. But sugar calories burn first right?
I wasn't able to eat all of my cereal and had to throw the rest out after 10 bites w/ blueberries and a couple more.
My back is killing me. I need to build muscle. And kung fu, I am not looking forward to later tonight. I feel like shit.
Anyways, plan on taking tylenol before I go to bed tonight. Hopefully, that'll work. Or maybe I'll become the zombie I was in middle school when I first developed anorexia and wasn't even aware of it. I kind of missed those days though. I miss living in a kind of dream of mine, but I should remember that it was really a prison. I really don't know why I want to go back to being that person. I guess I felt like I had a lot more control than I do now or at least people thouht I had it together and the fantasy was way better than reality.
I'm sorry I'm going to mention this again, but I have to keep track of my health because I am susceptible to colon cancer. So I watch my bowel movements and make an effort to eat tons of fiber. Anyways, I had a pretty decent bowel movement today. Came out in tiny balls though which is a sign of constipation. I wish I could have squeezed it out more.
Going to try and get a nap before my friend gets here now.
Speaking of lunch... I skipped. Totally forgot to bring my yogurt and my butter toffees. Ended up playing with marshmallows (I feel like I'm back in kindergarten) and ate a handful of those. I checked the bag. Came out to about 80 cal. I'm also not eating for the rest of the day because of this mistake. But sugar calories burn first right?
I wasn't able to eat all of my cereal and had to throw the rest out after 10 bites w/ blueberries and a couple more.
My back is killing me. I need to build muscle. And kung fu, I am not looking forward to later tonight. I feel like shit.
Anyways, plan on taking tylenol before I go to bed tonight. Hopefully, that'll work. Or maybe I'll become the zombie I was in middle school when I first developed anorexia and wasn't even aware of it. I kind of missed those days though. I miss living in a kind of dream of mine, but I should remember that it was really a prison. I really don't know why I want to go back to being that person. I guess I felt like I had a lot more control than I do now or at least people thouht I had it together and the fantasy was way better than reality.
I'm sorry I'm going to mention this again, but I have to keep track of my health because I am susceptible to colon cancer. So I watch my bowel movements and make an effort to eat tons of fiber. Anyways, I had a pretty decent bowel movement today. Came out in tiny balls though which is a sign of constipation. I wish I could have squeezed it out more.
Going to try and get a nap before my friend gets here now.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Diet Plan for Tomorrow
How does this sound? I can't fast any longer or I'm going to binge. So I'm going to try restricting starting tomorrow.
breakfast:
1/2 cup milk - 65
1/2 cup fiberone cereal - 60
10 bluebrries - approx. 7
snack:
1 butter toffee - 9
pink lemonade mix - 30
lunch:
fiberone yogurt - 80
snack:
1 butter toffee - 9
total: 260 cal
I have kung fu which will definitely be enough of a work out too burn off all the calories. :)
breakfast:
1/2 cup milk - 65
1/2 cup fiberone cereal - 60
10 bluebrries - approx. 7
snack:
1 butter toffee - 9
pink lemonade mix - 30
lunch:
fiberone yogurt - 80
snack:
1 butter toffee - 9
total: 260 cal
I have kung fu which will definitely be enough of a work out too burn off all the calories. :)
More on Today
I ate another butter toffee - that makes 18 cal.
I feel nauseous and I don't see why. Why would I feel like throwing up when I have no food in my stomach?
Okay, I just did a quick search and it's actually a normal symptom from fasting. The worse nausea happens with the most toxins released from previous bad habits. And what I threw up earlier might actually be bile from the liver which I kind of knew already, but this would not have been a good excuse for my mom.
Okay and I had a tiny itsy bitsy bowel movement. I fucking hate it when someone (my mother) is right there bothering me when I'm in the middle of the act. I need a hell of a lot of concentration since I get so constipated.
Note to self: Do not go researching the process of digestion and absorption of calories. It will make you want to binge.
Anyways, I walked my dog to the park and swang there with her in my lap. It was relaxing. Then this old man with a cane comes to sit at the bench. I'm just thinking okay and old guy, sittin on a bench, resting and thinking to himself... nothing weird about that. But then he decides to get up and heads to the kid's playhouse on the playground. He climbs into it, grabs hold of the top, and starts swinging his feet back and forth. This surprised me 'cause the guy looked like he was about to keel over any minute with his coughing and the cane. Anyways, I left after a few minutes of awkwardness and walked back home.
I feel nauseous and I don't see why. Why would I feel like throwing up when I have no food in my stomach?
Okay, I just did a quick search and it's actually a normal symptom from fasting. The worse nausea happens with the most toxins released from previous bad habits. And what I threw up earlier might actually be bile from the liver which I kind of knew already, but this would not have been a good excuse for my mom.
Okay and I had a tiny itsy bitsy bowel movement. I fucking hate it when someone (my mother) is right there bothering me when I'm in the middle of the act. I need a hell of a lot of concentration since I get so constipated.
Note to self: Do not go researching the process of digestion and absorption of calories. It will make you want to binge.
Anyways, I walked my dog to the park and swang there with her in my lap. It was relaxing. Then this old man with a cane comes to sit at the bench. I'm just thinking okay and old guy, sittin on a bench, resting and thinking to himself... nothing weird about that. But then he decides to get up and heads to the kid's playhouse on the playground. He climbs into it, grabs hold of the top, and starts swinging his feet back and forth. This surprised me 'cause the guy looked like he was about to keel over any minute with his coughing and the cane. Anyways, I left after a few minutes of awkwardness and walked back home.
Gold Liquid
Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. Restlessness... such a pesky little thing that comes with anorexia. Anywho, I needed my sleep and luckily I had just gotten over being ill and still had left over medicine-gold liquid.
Now this gold liquid I had decided I wouldn't take due to the adverse effects I was getting from the codeine ingredient (hallucinations). But I knew it would make me tired and help me fall asleep so I took it anyways. I actually had a very good sleep, but couldn't wake up at the appropriate hour. I also took 2 tylenol with that since my body pains and headaches always act up at night.
So this morning I woke up well-rested, but dazed and I realized... I'm out of water bottles. Shame to start a fast and then find yourself dehydrating because you forgot to buy enough water bottles. How dumb of me.
So I set off to Walmart to get groceries for me and the household. So picture this. I'm dehydrated, dazed, walking in the pounding heat of Texas having to lug two cartons of water bottles. It was difficult and I definitely felt faint once I got home. I was fixing my concoction of pink lemonade powder in one of the water bottles, till suddenly nausea hit me and the next thing I knew I was throwing up gold liquid all over my white carpet in my bathroom.
I had never thrown up from it before and deduced that it was probably because I had eaten something with it in the past. So I broke my fast... not too badly I would say. I popped 1 sugar-free butter toffee to suck on. The bag says 45cal and 1.5g fat for 5 candies. So I actually ate just 9cal which doesn't really matter cause these little sugar-free wonders all have a laxative effect. :D
So my stomach is settling now. I need to take my vitamins, but I have such bad gag reflexes that I want to be absolutely sure I'm okay first.
I'm a little worried my mom's getting suspicious from this incident now. :(
By the way, my exact weight would be 140.4 lbs, but I just round up if ounces are present.
Another thing, I don't feel as tempted to eat today. Except for that butter toffee... I cold go for another one of those, but I won't.
Now this gold liquid I had decided I wouldn't take due to the adverse effects I was getting from the codeine ingredient (hallucinations). But I knew it would make me tired and help me fall asleep so I took it anyways. I actually had a very good sleep, but couldn't wake up at the appropriate hour. I also took 2 tylenol with that since my body pains and headaches always act up at night.
So this morning I woke up well-rested, but dazed and I realized... I'm out of water bottles. Shame to start a fast and then find yourself dehydrating because you forgot to buy enough water bottles. How dumb of me.
So I set off to Walmart to get groceries for me and the household. So picture this. I'm dehydrated, dazed, walking in the pounding heat of Texas having to lug two cartons of water bottles. It was difficult and I definitely felt faint once I got home. I was fixing my concoction of pink lemonade powder in one of the water bottles, till suddenly nausea hit me and the next thing I knew I was throwing up gold liquid all over my white carpet in my bathroom.
I had never thrown up from it before and deduced that it was probably because I had eaten something with it in the past. So I broke my fast... not too badly I would say. I popped 1 sugar-free butter toffee to suck on. The bag says 45cal and 1.5g fat for 5 candies. So I actually ate just 9cal which doesn't really matter cause these little sugar-free wonders all have a laxative effect. :D
So my stomach is settling now. I need to take my vitamins, but I have such bad gag reflexes that I want to be absolutely sure I'm okay first.
I'm a little worried my mom's getting suspicious from this incident now. :(
By the way, my exact weight would be 140.4 lbs, but I just round up if ounces are present.
Another thing, I don't feel as tempted to eat today. Except for that butter toffee... I cold go for another one of those, but I won't.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Those Brick Roads Always Trip Me Out
The day is finally coming to an end and I will have gotten through my first day of fasting. It was trivial I must say. I was very tempted to take my mother up on the offer of going out for some chinese. I don't know how I was able to escape that one.
I bought these amazing packets of Kellogg's protein water mix (pink lemonade). I think they really do help with curbing hunger. Has 30 cal, 5g protein, and 5g of fiber in each packet for 1 bottle of water. I try and drink at least 3 bottles of water a day so if I were to use 1 on every bottle, would only have 90 cal/day. I can deal with that number. Plus, being able to flavor the water makes it easier to swallow the vitamins I have to take. It really is a dream come true, it's almost like they made the product specifically for anorexics.
I also took my daily cold shower. I try and stay in the cold for 15 min to get my metabolism working harder. Then I remember lanugo and how that scared me so bad into recovery, but now that I think back to it. I don't care. I really don't think people are going to notice the fuzz when they're staring at my bones. :)
I keep thinking back to all the compliments and attention I got when I got down to 130lbs. I want that again so bad!!
I've decided I don't care about love, sex, or boys anymore. I just want to focus on me from now on. I want to graduate, go to college, and be the best person I can be. And this way, I don't have anyone holding me back from my dreams.
I also went for a walk for about 30 min. My mom decided to come with me, which wasn't too bad. This way she doesn't get too suspicious either.
The one thing I'm disappointed about is having procrastinated the entire day and not gotten a single page of homework done. Tomorrow, I have to work! I am not going to sit around all day and wait for night to come like I did today. I don't think fasting will be on my mind as much tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be more clear-minded.
I bought these amazing packets of Kellogg's protein water mix (pink lemonade). I think they really do help with curbing hunger. Has 30 cal, 5g protein, and 5g of fiber in each packet for 1 bottle of water. I try and drink at least 3 bottles of water a day so if I were to use 1 on every bottle, would only have 90 cal/day. I can deal with that number. Plus, being able to flavor the water makes it easier to swallow the vitamins I have to take. It really is a dream come true, it's almost like they made the product specifically for anorexics.
I also took my daily cold shower. I try and stay in the cold for 15 min to get my metabolism working harder. Then I remember lanugo and how that scared me so bad into recovery, but now that I think back to it. I don't care. I really don't think people are going to notice the fuzz when they're staring at my bones. :)
I keep thinking back to all the compliments and attention I got when I got down to 130lbs. I want that again so bad!!
I've decided I don't care about love, sex, or boys anymore. I just want to focus on me from now on. I want to graduate, go to college, and be the best person I can be. And this way, I don't have anyone holding me back from my dreams.
I also went for a walk for about 30 min. My mom decided to come with me, which wasn't too bad. This way she doesn't get too suspicious either.
The one thing I'm disappointed about is having procrastinated the entire day and not gotten a single page of homework done. Tomorrow, I have to work! I am not going to sit around all day and wait for night to come like I did today. I don't think fasting will be on my mind as much tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be more clear-minded.
Thinspiration
LMAO Sometimes the PSAs are the best thinspo for me!
The video below I created myself. I'm quite proud of it. :D
When fasting...
Cold weather... I'm going to be moving to Pennsylvania near the mountains, so I will definitely come back to this video when I remake my wardrobe.
It's just a diet! What are you talking about??
Good real girl thinspo. :) :) :)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Another Beginning
Since I can remember, I have had the urge to reinvent myself. I have created lists, schedules, rules, time and time again defining the perfect me. This is just another one of my projects.
In this blog we can focus on the mind and the spirit, but it is mainly for the attainment of a perfect body.
Tonight I feel rather weak. I sit here listening to Combichrist - Get Your Body Beat, only to find myself slowly developing a head ache and coming closer and closer to filling that hole in my stomach that "Oh-so" wants to be filled.
I plan on fasting the entire day. My weight is at 143 lbs.
Weight Goals: They are rather many, but I want to try something new. I plan on losing a pound a day so this should keep me on track if I cross out a weight everyday till I get to the last one. So that means 25 days till my goal weight. Come on, I can do that! Note: html code is < strike > < /strike >
143 lbs
142 lbs
141 lbs
140 lbs
139 lbs
138 lbs
137 lbs
136 lbs
135 lbs
134 lbs
133 lbs
132 lbs
131 lbs
130 lbs
129 lbs
128 lbs
127 lbs
126 lbs
125 lbs
124 lbs
123 lbs
122 lbs
121 lbs
120 lbs
119 lbs
118 lbs
In this blog we can focus on the mind and the spirit, but it is mainly for the attainment of a perfect body.
Tonight I feel rather weak. I sit here listening to Combichrist - Get Your Body Beat, only to find myself slowly developing a head ache and coming closer and closer to filling that hole in my stomach that "Oh-so" wants to be filled.
I plan on fasting the entire day. My weight is at 143 lbs.
Weight Goals: They are rather many, but I want to try something new. I plan on losing a pound a day so this should keep me on track if I cross out a weight everyday till I get to the last one. So that means 25 days till my goal weight. Come on, I can do that! Note: html code is < strike > < /strike >
137 lbs
136 lbs
135 lbs
134 lbs
133 lbs
132 lbs
131 lbs
130 lbs
129 lbs
128 lbs
127 lbs
126 lbs
125 lbs
124 lbs
123 lbs
122 lbs
121 lbs
120 lbs
119 lbs
118 lbs
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